Survivor

The world seems to be collapsing around Nina G – the global economic meltdown that is threatening thousands if not millions of jobs, the irresponsible ‘Octomom’ for bearing eight children she can hardly raise and the reprehensible Miss USA contestant who is opposed to gay marriage. What is the world coming to?

As Nina sits sipping a delicate cup of ginger infused tea and pondering the fate of the world, her eyes wander to a column neatly tucked away at the back of the free local weekly magazine – the adult services classifieds section! She began to wonder about the secret lives of Call Girls. She thought about Amber – a 25 year old gorgeous runway model who promises pure pleasure in the eastern suburbs from 10am – 7pm. What about Sierra? – a hot bootylicious busty Kenyan beauty who is available for outcalls only. Then there is La Belle – a brothel specialising in beautiful sexy Korean/Japanese ladies who provide “water slide, body shampoo and best massage” services in Surry Hills seven days a week.

Does sex still sell in this current economic crisis? Do these luscious Call Girls have to consider a pay-cut or worst, be made redundant? What about special offers – two for the price of one do you?

According to one of Nina’s reliable sources (that shall remain anonymous), apparently, economic downturns can be a boom time for sex-workers. The theory goes that the sex-workers of today see themselves as not only sex objects but also as therapists for men who require a listening ear post-coitus.

And so it goes – Nina G, 29 year old exotic goddess of erotica, mildly busty, fetishes, lesbian double can be arranged, does anything and everything except kiss on the lips (like Pretty Woman). Sex and therapy all within the hour.

Nina G will do anything to survive this economic crisis. And now, if you don’t mind, she has some pressing matters to attend to – a naughty elderly gentlemen needs to be disciplined by a wanton dominatrix. Leather corset on, whip out. Till next time, behave bitches.

Beautiful

Nina G has just returned from a visit to the doctor with disturbing news. Her eyes are bloodshot and swollen - not from a good cry watching Out of Africa or The Bridges of Madison County but from a bout of the evil conjunctivitis. Yes, Nina G is a mere mortal and at present, diseased. Her classic beauty marred by her own window to the soul. She takes a step back from the mirror, trembling and shaken, she lies herself down to rest.

Nina G then began to question her own vanity. She ponders the emphasis she places on physical beauty. She reflects on time and money wasted on potions and lotions, facials and microdermabrasions, injections...and the list goes on. Ever since she can remember, she has been cleansed, scrubbed, toned and moisturised. All in the name of beauty. Recently, she has also taken up yoga, spinning and boxercise to maintain her lithe figure. Again, all in the name of beauty.

Some puritans say beauty is over-rated and only skin-deep. Why then is the beauty industry one of the fastest growing industries in the world? Why then are women injecting bacteria into their skin and using products made from placentas? Because, the truth is, as shallow as some people may think of beauty, it is powerful. Beauty is power. Beauty can help you get the job you've always wanted. Beauty can most definitely get you the man of your dreams. So, as long as Nina G possess beauty, she must be permitted to flaunt it unabashedly. Let's face it, no one really wants to sit next to the ugly kid in school.

Awakening

Nina G is uncertain about her future happiness - currently unemployed in the midst of an ailing economy with threats of a recession and coupled with her big three oh (30th birthday) fast approaching next year, it is all too much for her to handle. A turning point in her life but not knowing which turn to take. There are decisions to make, plans to unveil, goals to achieve and a shabby wardrobe to revamp. In short, there is a lot to do. Her mind - in a mess, her hair - in tangles and her knickers - in a twist. 'Why is it so difficult to be happy and contented?', she asks herself.

Practising the ancient art of Pranayama (yogic breathing), a sudden wave of calm and tranquility settles within her petite being. She feels her chakras realigning and her energy fields recharged. Next, her weakened soul is catapulted to the high heavens. Oh, sheer ecstacy overwhelms her.

After her tenth exhalation, the answer to happiness slowly unfolds and reveals its naked self. Maybe a holiday? (a trip to Angkor Wat for a spiritual awakening) Maybe a career change? (an activist of some sort - saving whales and furry animals) Or perhaps a new hair-do? (swapping her long unruly curls with a blunt bob ala Anna Wintour)

Then it dawned on Nina G that the key to happiness doesn't lie in trivial choices. It lies in one choice - the choice to be grateful. So with this in mind, Nina G will wake up each morning and be grateful for everything that has been bestowed upon her - her impeccable health, her stunning beauty, her sharp intelligence and her killer Victoria Secret figure. Om.

On The Side Of Angels

With an extra strong Cosmopolitan (Nina G's concoction: 5 parts Vodka, 3 parts Cointreau and just a dash of Cranberry juice for flavour) in one hand and a faux cigarette in another, Nina G watched the cast of Sex and the City promote their latest venture, Sex and The City:The Movie on Oprah last night. It was such a joy to witness these four brazen middle-aged beauties reunite to reprise their roles from the famed television series. Nina G was first introduced to the series as an infant when it was released back in 1998. Now, almost a decade later, the concepts, ideas and issues of Sex and the City are still very fresh and not threadbare. Nina G is still very much a fanatic follower of the series now as she was yesterday, when she was young. To those who are of the opinion that the series is passe and obsolete - well, go suck a lemon.

At the centre of the series, is of course, the marvelous Sarah Jessica Parker's character, Carrie Bradshaw. Oh how fabulous was she falling asleep in her mille feuille de la Renta gown in Paris or strutting down the runway in nothing else but a pair of Dolce & Gabbana jewelled panties with big hair, big eyes and killer stilletoes. Yes, Carrie Bradshaw - a name synonymous with the epitome of style, brilliance and one fucked-up love life. A character that transcends fiction as it leaps out of the television screen and into the lives of women the world over. Indeed, a character that Nina G relates to most. In fact, Nina G is Carrie Bradshaw. It comes as no surprise then, that the result of a quiz titled 'Which Sex and the City male character is your soul-mate?' taken by Nina G, was none other than Mr Big himself.

To the girls of Sex and the City - welcome back! You've rescued countless women facing relationship hurdles, fashion mishaps and career disasters from suicide and electric-shock therapy. Your wisdom and gospel will follow us through this cruel life. As long as we have you by our side, we know, we are on the side of angels.

I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend

Sweet-faced Winona Ryder is at it again! This time, she set off the theft alarm in a US department store and caught with unpaid cosmetics in her tote. Surely the wealthy Ms Ryder can afford to pay for her own mascara, lipsticks and rouge. Also, isn't one of the perks of being a hollywood celebrity is getting free cosmetics thrown at your face from all directions? Lancome, Estee Lauder, Max Factor - the list goes on. A quick research on the internet points out to Nina G that 'kleptomania' is in fact a mental disorder. Apparently, 'kleptomaniacs' steal uncontrollaby without realisation. The definition of 'kleptomania' is only confined to theft of things of little or no value like pens, paper clips, packets of sugar and tic-tacs. Sadly, the definition does not extend to theft of your best friend's boyfriend, you sister's husband or your colleague's bright ideas. Or, in Nina G's tragic case - her highly prized rolodex with contacts of A-listers, plastic surgeons and every single other VVIP in town.

She remains nonplussed about this situation. This only re-affirms her belief of trusting no one. Nina G is aware that this is the work of some doe-eyed, enthusiastic, pixie-faced newly qualified college graduate. Beneath the surface of fragility always lies a scheming and crafty mind. Somewhere out there, someone wants the mighty Nina G to fall. But these greenhorns forget that there is a hurricane in Nina G that will strip them bare in an instant!

It's All About The Money

Nina G is in awe of the slut that is Ashley Alexandria Dupre - a 22 year old high class call girl who is responsible for the fall of former New York governor Eliot Spitzer (client 9). As an 'employee' of the Emperor's VIP club prostitute ring, she stands to earn anything from US$4,000 to US$10,000 per session with a client. And not just any client. We are talking about influential gentlemen with high paying jobs, families and an unabashed deviant sexual fantasy who are willing to pay a hefty fee for a taste of the occasional discreet fun. Well, not so discreet anymore.

Following Nina G's previous entry on her career dilemma, a lightbulb has sparked in her rather 'hard to tame' mind. All her life she has stringently lived by a rule book - obtain good grades at school then, graduate from university with a sensible degree (nothing too arty) and get a secure, reasonably paying but dull as hell job to pay the bills, put food on the table and fulfill her filial piety duties as an obedient daughter. She has had enough. It's time to tear the rule book to pieces and live life dangerously. Nina G decides on a career sea-change. To hell with cake making, life coaching and the like. Her only quest now is to obtain two very crucial phone numbers - one, the number of a renowned plastic surgeon that can perform minor miracles and two, the number of the pimp that operates the insidious Emperor's VIP Club. It's time to make real money and some headlines. Ka-ching!

Let The River Run

Let the river run
Let all the dreamers
Wake the nation
Come, the new Jerusalem

...sings two-time Grammy winner Carly Simon for the soundtrack of Working Girl - a movie starring the bimbo sounding Melanie Griffith as a dutiful but scheming PA and the tough and kunckle down bitch, Sigourney Weaver as her boss. A movie about strong women with professional careers. A concept that presently rings true to Nina G as she ponders the fate of her own career. In eight months, she will be free from the evil reins of her current suffocating job. Would she finally be brazen enough to jump and delve into something meaningful? Something like cake-making or floral arrangements? Thoughts have also been given to make-up artistry, life coaching, runway coaching, herbalist, feng shui mistress and countless other options. The list is endless. Or, is she too fearful to hang up her Blahniks and Chanel power suits doing 75 hour weeks for the sake of some extra moolah? Suddenly, it all seems so simple. It all boils down to a question of lifestyle over greed.

Just for today though, she chooses greed. There were a few newly orphaned Dior handbags on display at the store that looked like it needed loving attention. Just for today though - no guilt, just handbags.